Sunday, April 8, 2012

Impression of Silent Birth 04/02/12

         wasn't really thinking, wasn't looking, wasn't searching for a answer and now im in the power of a wolf;the most rapacious perhaps that this world has ever seen and since i did not flew he has inevitably devoured me. His colorful moods keep me hostage.i love that im both distaste and fancy being his captive.  ive got it bad id take his black take his navy and red. i don't know how it happened. don't now why but you don't really need a reason just to fall in love. i need this vivacious man with no bomb strapped to my head.his health is splendid and he has a marvelous power of enduring all sorts of fatigue. he is uncommonly eloquent and his gifted  with an innate mind which has never forsaken him. these are among many reasons why i am in utter and complete love with him.Beacuse of him, i was attacked outside my conscious by a gang of murderous assailants under the alias of feelings who haven't yet disappeared into the night. For me there will never be a invention more beautiful, more simple and complex or more direct as he. in his invention nothing is lacking and nothing is superfluous.

The Post-Traumatic Ego



          Beat on like a stone under the coming tide,i search for your physical love but it does not abide.in the spaces and places that my eyes glide.
         To give yourself freely and lovingly is the most beautiful thing you can do.to act atop of me altruistically allowing me to love you munificently would bring me out this Bavarian blue.
       Come see about me.here i am.pierced by your beauty.i am a song wrote for your eyes only.
      Soul  deeply affected, and filled with tears. loneliness well placed as the wet behind elegant cat ears. we need something more than method of least squares.we need like it was authorized shares. 
       A Great Life A Legacy of Love And those physical expressions were indicative of the singularly greatest thing I appreciate. we loved.
      Mines is a familiar story. The developed common mornings glory.leem of a Miracle.
     A Secret Promise Kept. ensure that no-one can intercept.long nights of overslept.
     what happened to our Simple Gesture.
    Ours remains A Story of Hope.Not easily washed away with liquid soap.we were remote;controlled yet free of...ours is A Test of Love.













Thursday, April 5, 2012



Dear Me.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it, Be brave, Live.There would be nothing to frighten you if you refused to be afraid.Positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.Don’t doubt the dream it’s the best you can be.Pain is the release of weakness.Reality is the mirror of your thoughts. Choose well what you put in front of the mirror.Its Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.To think negatively is like taking a weakening drug.Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams. Yet.Positive thoughts are not enough. There have to be positive feelings and positive actions.Life is beautiful because of you.Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.Let GOD use and shine through you,come what may.Work like you don’t need the money, Love like you’ve never been hurt, Dance like nobody’s watching.It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.Your often imitated , never duplicated You do it because You can,  You can because You want to, You want to because they said You  couldn't.You know the motto gul."dare to be different".KNOW Philippians 4:13.What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.If you’re going through hell, keep going. And thank GOD for the experience. Punctuate your Pain with Praise.Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.Everything is ok in the end, if it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.Action will destroy your procrastination.You’ve got to scratch the surface to make a dent.The things you regret in life, are the risks you didn’t take.It’s never too late to be what you might have been.P.S.Your stronger than you feel, Wiser than you think, and braver than you believe..

Friday, December 30, 2011

a skype tale bushell/fielder combo

The story starts when your protagonist opens an email. Another character is a killer who has been spying on your protagonist.
 Bushell: hmmm.....
 Fielder: :) IS THIS ALL BAD ON THE IDEA SKEL
 Bushell: in concept it sounds good...its all about the execution
 Fielder: it doesnt have to b perfect it cld b completely idiotic idc i jus wanna try it wit u ur a interesting person helpz me see who u r plus ima lil crazy so u might run away
 : lol
 Bushell: lol i doubt that very much
 Fielder: uh huh im glad ur a boss like that b/c ppl b str8 fleeing
 Bushell: lol what? no way
 Fielder: ok ...real talk im crazy , i seem a lil sane
 Bushell: nah...prove it
 Fielder: :$ it jus happens gosh u probably dont notice it b/c ur probably not all thur urself lmbo jk
 Bushell: lol really? lol
 nah but like, what u mean tho?
 Fielder: YUMP REALLY ....like;if i would reallty llet myself b me with no boundries and speak watev comes to my minnd at the end of the sentence youd b lookin at me like if this nigga even blink im laying her flat and calling the ppl out on her
 Bushell: lol nah b
: thats really hard to believe
: ur so cool
 Fielder: yeah i an Yet thurz so many dimentions to my being itz madd crazy ridiculas fine ill let some of my mental blocks down and i shall let chu see a smeg
 Bushell: ok go
 lemme see
 Fielder: SHEESH itz not easy punnkface....ill guess ill start the story then itz the easyEST way
 Bushell: ok
: how do u start?
 Fielder: im gettin thur
: ok
 Bushell: oh my bad
 Fielder: lmbo ......the room isn't small but with all the space 'heat' was taking up it seemed that it was.
: another long day at work and he was ready to call it a night
 so he opened his mind a lil and logged on to that good ol email work never ended not even when he was off
: exspecting the normality of reading checking and sorting he came to find an actual email sent just for him so he opened it and thatz wur his misery began\
 Bushell: yes....it was porn.......
: it was his mother
 Fielder: no it was the stoker lol remember the scenerio?
 Bushell: oh......the stalker sent him a video of himself masturbating
 Fielder: NO ROTFL it was strange with no return address saying only a sentence that made the hairs stand o the back of his head If I were to be anything in this world…. I’d be ur tears!!!… So, I can be conceived in ur heart, born in ur eyes,
live on ur cheeks & die on ur lips!!!!!
 Bushell: ......dag ok.....and then what
: ?
 Fielder: (take it from here)
 Bushell: twss
 ok
 he drops the letter and takes a step back....could it be.....her???
: he then remembers that girl....from that place....with that face......
: he begins to whisper her name but doesnt......
: then he looks out the windows......had she come looking for him?
 what did she want??
: was she still........in love??
 or was it now hate that motivated her??
 Fielder: ass he stood around pacing the room he doesnt feel her eyes gazing at him from his closet
: he noticed the window slightly open but spoked b/c he didnt remember opening the window i mean come on itz the middle of fall
: (i think we shld say tag so we knw when to come in)
 Bushell: ok
 Fielder: tag
 Bushell: as he moves to the window to look out....she exits from the closet and runs thru the front door....by the time he he heard the commotion....she was long gone
....she was in the house....he didnt know what to do now....PANIC.......he begins to grab his things....he grabs an overnight bag and gets ready to leave.....he would hve to run
[ Fielder: lol
 Bushell: he leaves the house and heads to a motel.....but he doesnt know shes in the trunk.............
[12/30/2011 10:34:58 PM] Dale Bushell: tag
 Fielder: the ride to the motel was short but to her it seemed like hours enveloped in the trunk she zones into her memory the thoughtz consumed her of the first time she saw this man whoes trunk she was in
 so kwickly he bcame the rythem to which she lived her life...
: it was 5 years ago in the winter semester she went to a&m and he he was a oakwood man. so very different frm the average could that b why he drawz her to him
 she stood in the snow with bags and bags of food and he was the only one who stopped and offered a ride
 all those who i knew passed me by but he stopped? it had to b love at first sight from then on i could live with out his scent(she begins talkin aloud narrating her lyf
: rich and deeply toned in appearence u advanced into my thoughts and i hungrily consumed u
: i distincly listen to ur attire literally peeled from your soul im undressing you ...THE CAR stoped they have arrived..tag
[ Bushell: she waits til all goes silent.....he dashes inside......hes been here before.....he remembers this is where he took her the first time..........the night he realized...her obsession...she creeps out of the car....silently...gingerly...with all the grace and elegance of a kitten trying to sneak up on a mouse....she pulls out a needle......
 he undresses and sits on the bed....his heart racing...he remembers how she screamed that night....the look of insanity in her eye.....IN THAT VERY SAME ROOM!!!....he becomes frantic....then....the click of the door closing....he hadnt noticed she came right in!!!!!!
 tag
 Fielder: So don't expect Paul Roos to lament the dogged, unequivocal style of football that had his team mocked as a footballing eyesore in 2005.she laughs HAHAHA just kidding gosh u dont rmber the announcer ? the aftergame show we watched ...that...night? wow this room really brings back memeorys
 hello darling long time so c SINCE U LFT ME FOR THAT....
: u dont have to worry aboout her anymore i told her i told her to stay away from you she wanted to try me so i ...I GAVE HER WAT WAS COMING TO HER ..u may find her fingernails in ur laundry or the police it all depends on ur ddecisions tonight
: dont you love me didnt we have that over the hedge written in the stars thing?
: WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME...but u do ...u do love me dont u ...this whiole time hes stuck in shock on the bed in his draws howz he gonna get outta this?
: tag
 Bushell: he makes for the door...she grabs him...he turns to push her off...she hits a small table and becomes bruised..........but then he loses all the strength in his body......
: she gets up and smiles.....u gon b mine tonight....just like how i was urs.........ur gon say no like i said no......and im gonna take all i want just like u did....then imma tell u i luv u just like u did......
: she proceeds to undress him......and as she prophesied.....he says no dont.....she drags him to the bed......tag
: she dumps him on the bed the dim light slightly blinded him all he can see is her forcing pills down her throat washing it down with tequila she outta her f(censored)mind he thought he couldnt speak and barley move but that didnt mind her non she rose ontop of him almost pale close to his face rubbing her lips against him whispering i tol you i would follow you until the end of forever i knew frrom first galnce that you wer my only
: im gonna take what mine you can nolonger take WHATZ MINE dont u like it like this baby cant you see now, that it was alwayz us...she bits his neck like a madd rabbit he screams yeah thatz rt baby thatz what i wanna her i wanna hear pain pain like ive felt all these years tryna find you pain like being seperaated from you
 i wont go another day wit out u dont think i havnt noticed u tryin to escape itz ok shhhhh im not gonna lie ima gonna hurt you to teach you to make u see....ima take my time and u wont enjoy this
 Fielder: so just lay back and let it happen...tag
 Bushell: ....um
 Fielder: ]:)lol what?
: omgeee i cant stop laughing
: watz wrong?
 Bushell: this is hard #pause
 Fielder: aye ur a natural
 Bushell: she starts to kiss him on the cheek...even now he still tries to move....even his voice wont come out now..........he refuses to give in...even tho she did..that time.....then PAIN...she bites him on the neck.....she screams and then scratches his face...then she starts to hit herself....he looks at her in total disbelief.....as she bruises herself she smiles...now i got u.........
: she runs and grabs a knife....
: she then proceeds to run the blade down his chest to his stomach....total fear overcomes his face.....she then makes an incision over his heart....thats for u baby. thats for breaking my heart...........she then proceeds cut off his nipple....before the knife can touch him he blacks out....
 he wakes up....
 he is sore....
 very sore.....
 down there...............
 there are blood soaked sheets covering his genital area.....he screams
: he is in one piece....but its an abused bleeding piece............
: he calls the police.....
 when the police arrive.....they arrest him.................................
 why? why are u doing this?
: sir we received a call from a ms delia jones saying u raped her...............
 he is shocked...
then he remembers the bruises...the smile........
 he has been set up...
: tag: the sentence was 8 years in the pin hes only served a week how could he survive this what did he do to deserve this?everything that he worked for all dreams boiled on the stove nothing but a faded scent to him now. GUARD: aye boofaye yo get ready u have a visitor! a vister? wtheck who could possibly b visiting me my mom cut me off couldnt believe her son could do such a crime all my friendz offed me ...who...no ...not her why her she sat thur with a big smile
: she waited 9 months to come see him ....
 hey love i hope they are treated you well
 what are u doing her guard guard im done...
 baby come on dont treat me like this u know what happens when u treat me bad
 i told everyone u didnt mean it that u wer jus frustrated with work and all and with us tryn to get married it was jus to much for you to handle
: i tol them u didnt mean to hurt me they wnated me to speak against u and i couldnt i mean u tol me u loved me how could i betray u beyond the punishment taht u needed for leavin me
 i have such great news and we
: we? who the heck is we?
 honey..ur baby and i ... hes gonna need his daddy
: idk how long i can go on wit out u being here
: so i was thinkin of names..and..
: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME UR PREGANAT
: poohbear what do u exspect when u ravish a women like u did
r: LOOK WOMEN I DIDNT DO NOTHING TO YOU OK
: OH HONEY YOU DID IT ALL
r: XSCUSE ME GUARD im ofally tired could u bring me some water please
: GUARD: um are u sure youll b safe wit him
 oh yes hes my lover he wont hurt me
: aye dude dont leav me in here wit her do ur job man screw what she need tell her to leav
 the guard leav...now that we are alone...tag
 Bushell: he rushes to grab her
 she grabs him by the balls......he is helpless
: now honey......we need to be a family...i dont want to raise our baby with daddy in jail.......im willing to drop the charges.......as long as u will be with me.......
: UR DAD MAY BE A JUDGE BUT U DONT HAVE THAT KINDA PWR......he screams/whimpers
 .......u mean like the power u had that night....
: it all goes silent....
she releases him and he takes his seat.......
 now if the baby is a boy i was thinking we could na.....this is crazy he interrupts...
 WHAT?
DONT CALL ME CRAZY!!!
: DONT U EVER CALL ME CRAZY!!!
 IM NOT CRAZY!!! IM YOURS!!!!!!
: dont forget what u did to me.....i just gave u what u liked baby....i gave u pleasure
 how did u put it...a woman is spose to plz a man anyway she can.......something like taht right??
 he remains silent....
 that was a long time ago...im not that man anymore...
: so u think u can just take it and leave????
: no..thats not what i......sigh......im sry
 no.....no ur not.....not yet.........
 tag
 Fielder: she pulls a razor blad out of her mouth and carves her name in his leg see now ur officially mine.now u can go out and turn tricks for me.
 Bushell: DAMN
[: !!
 Fielder: im not pregnat i mean not anymore she pulls the bag from under her dress and rips it open over him blood and fetus spills out all over him hez gasping for air
 Bushell: this is like some psycho lifetime ish lol
Fielder: isnt that what u wanted the first time tol me i couldnt have the baby made me lose tool me if i loved you i had to lay up in the bed and let all those fithy men run through me
: lol i know rt
 she whispers in his ear well guess what baby im not gonna b the only one letting men run thru me
: slepp tight
: later that night she was rushed by men and they put a pillow case over his head oh heckz naw i refuse to get gangbanged naw g not goin out like that
 the wrap him up and toss him in the back of a truck it comes to a stop
: i know that voice u gotta b blooming joking why does she hav connects like that
: thanx fellas drop him her
she unwraps him like a gift he smells candles and food
: but he cant see it because in all the cahmotion the fellas beat him like he owed them money
: i ran a bath for u hon
: hopfully when can soak all the blood off of u and ill wanna touch u again
 she slaps him
: u wer afraid werent u lol u thought they was gonna take ur A(censored) common sweety think
: what use do i hav for a F(censored) non
 she kisses the tape on his mouth and rips it off
: u know im not madd anymore
 i just wanna see u suffer..in love ofcorse: but think before u act up b/c i wil slice ur body up stuff the wombs with bitz of food strapp u in the basement and let ratz go
 wouldnt u rather slp n the bed with me...oh the possiblities
: well say somthing
: tag
 Bushell: .....he is silent....he cant believe this is happening....if he only knew...he would hve nvr touched her......
: u hungry?
 ...he nods.....
: they go into the kitchen and she puts on an apron
 she begins talking about something.....hes not paying attention.....he just keeps regretting his decision and thinks back to that night.....
: that night they both had one too many.......they went back to the motel....he began to demand things....things she wanted to share only with a husband.....
 she refused...he refused to stop.......
: one thing led to another.....BANG...
 are u listening to me?
 he stares back at her with a blank expression.....
 here...
: he looks down at the most scrumptous meal he has seen in a while
 she hands him a fork.......reluctantly he eats....
: he is blown away at the taste.....
 shes a good cook.....but something isnt right....
 he finishes the meal and gets up from the table...
: u gonna watch some TV hun?? no im going to bed......
 ok....ill join u...
 u know what....ill sleep on the cou...she gives him a glare.....ok "dear"
: he lays in bed.....he feels uncomfortable.....he looks down.....he is standing at attention......WHAT?? he thinks to himself ever so quietly..
: aahhh i see the dinner gave u the business huh?...did u like the seasoning???
: what? what did u put in my dinner???
 well silly....what do u think i put??
 they say in unison VIAGRA
: tag
 Fielder: ( ur killin me)...
: the only difference is ur not goin inside me this time
: your goin into shock
: she pull his big machine from under the bed
 the kicks her in the face
: u gotta F.N high if u think im bouta b down wit this ish
 there was a needle on her bed stand she stabs him in the arm
: i dont thinku hav a choice papa bear
: instintly his leggs giv out on him
: she hookz these cables up to him and putz it on full force in satisfaction she sitz back and begins to touch herself in his pain she found pleasure and rt before climax her door gets bust down
: d? d...baby...AHHHH DADDY?
 her father suffocating
 daddy omgosh what had i tol u about kalling before u come over
: her daddy drink this
: i thought id come over because a cell
: mate
: is missing and i jus new wer to find him
 lol daddy u know i couldnt let the love of my life stay in a plac e like that
: so u bring him home and make him ur toy
 well isnt that how u met mommy
: he slaps her ur mother is a saint
: yeah sait suck a d u know what chil we alwayz wanted better for u for u to b nothing like us well father the apple doesnt fall far from the tree THUMP  look daddy ima have to let u see ur way out i think my love is tryn to xscape ok muah love yuh Bushell: ....ok ok........... u win.....i cant take anymore theres just too much...its just........ pineapples i hve learnt today

Saturday, November 12, 2011

that moment when..

that moment when you have to force yourself to breathe .loud overly dramatic inward outward chest moving heaving audible sighs. a consuming throbbing  in your throat , and itz almost like time stands still.tears haven't yet come to your eyes but you feel them rising. an intensity has befalling you and your ears  begin to ring with an ache.you are uneasy unable to just be.your heart is beating so fast that it sends your body in shock for lack of beating.your numb thoughts are tossed and all you can do is feel. THE ALGEA bare upon you and u feel completely isolated. these anxieties has become ALGOS pain of the body and mind.you are experiencing heartache. you've thought you known her but u have never essentially gained her meaning.now there is no wonder why heart ache can cause death.
you are in love no such pain can exist without love.your comfort has stripped himself from you.he has denounce all which he has proclaimed.so quickly his Storge/Agape love for you transformed into hate.he has to love you for the energy of hating you. you are suffocating swamped in confusion.yet knowing every move and every root. so why does it hurt so bad. why do you feel yourself dying.you try to convince your self that this is nothing but an unpleasant fiction.you are lucid and the pain is the only thing that makes it real...you are experiencing heartache!!!!
you are swaddle in fear,hate,lose,mystification and in this one night it seems never ending.you are begging pleading for stillness of body mind and soul and your baffling goes unnoticed..you  have trapped yourself.your spirit loves a lua without force or fell. what is worse the physical filling of loneliness or the thought?the acts of him not wanting you or the verbal slashes? you cant focus and you don't know who to blame.heavy are the tears that wont  turn off. your voice has left you and it doesn't phase you.you want bloodcurdling scream, you want to kick and fight and cry and yell .you want to scratch away at yourself until blood streams from your pores. anything but this rejection. anything but this false truth. anything.....you are experiencing  heartache.
you'll get over it


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Recklessness

WHAT KIND OF FOOLERY IS THIS? iM NOT A PERFECT PERSON, BUT I KNOW PERFECT LOVE. iM UNPAINTED BUT SURROUNDED BY IT. Ii JUST ASK WHEN I TOUCH YOU , U FEEL ME WITHIN . mR DESTINY ; WHY DO YOU SCUTTLE FROM THE THOUGHT OF ME?@ THIS POINT IN YOUR LIFE IT IS I THAT HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO SET YOU FREE. yOU CANT KEEP BEING MENDACIOUS WITH YOURSELF. yOU KNOW I WOULD LOVE TO LOVE YOU.yOU REFUSE ME; IMAGES OF BROKEN LIGHT DANCE BEFORE ME LIKE JAGGED KNIFES. uNSPECIFIED, YOU GOTTA BE GOOD LOOKING BECAUSE YOUR HARD TO SEE. STILL I SEE YOU THROUGH THE SMOKE. iM JUST WAITING FOR THE SMKE TO CLEAR. yOU TRY SO HARD TO DISREGARD THE UNMISTAKABLE BEATING IN YOUR HEART. i PROBABLY WONT EVER BELONG TO YOU HOWEVER, SIR IMPENDING , YOU HAVE ME BELIEVING I DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ALONE.yOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME IT SLIPPED OUT YOUR MOUTH DRIPPED DOWN YOUR CHIN AND LANDED IN MY FOREVER. yOUR HEARTS ON DEFENSE AND IM ON FULL ATTACK. yOU: PUSHING FORWARD YET ARCHING BACK.wHEN YOU KETCH YOURSELF YOU DO A 180. kEEPING YOURSELF DISTANT, CONSTANTLY BUSY SO YOU DONT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIKING OF we.i WISH I WAS EXTREMELY TWISTED SO I COULD BEND US OUT OF THIS FIX. TRUE AND PERFECT BEAUTY. wHY ARE YOU NOT FRIENDLY WITH LOVE FOR ME? lIKE YU AND I ARENT A UNADULTERATED MIX. yOUR SO VACANT : yOUR SOUL IS TAKEN AND IM WHAT YOUR RUNNING FROM. i COULD RAGE LIKE A FIRE:and ONLY youd BRING RAIN I DESIRE.yOUR SO USE TO BEING THE ONE WITH MISFORTUNE TO FIND. wE BOTH HAVE REASONS TO PURSUE EACHOTHER: NONETHELESS YOU HAVE MURKY WATER. yOU DONT HAVE TO NUMB YOUR HEART; OR COACH YOUR SOUL TO LUCIDLY COME IN AND OUT OF YOUR MANY REALITYS. LIBERATE YOUR MIND; PLEAD FOR ME; AND MAKE ME YOUR ONLY REALITY.

DEEP IN THE pathos OF


LOCKED IN A CHANGELESS SETTING WHERE RAIN IS A PHANTOM.THE DESOLATE RAW, LEGENDARY, STRANGE AND VIOLENT BEAUTY evolves me slowly. so i investigate, I walk and look for something . But, my mind cant contemplate the thought of finding nothing. PERPETUALLY FROZEN with THE TYRANNY OF GRAVITY.where FIRE IS THE FATHER OF STONE.A TOUGH AND LONESOME PLACE. yet A PLACE OF MYSTERY AND WONDER.A PLACE OUT OF TIME.consuming all space in me. it is..AN EXPLOSION;ABLAZE WITH COLOR. A SEDUCTIVE PLACE with UNCHARTED LATITUDES.it is A GRAND AND LONELY PLACE.IT IS A SPECIAL PLACE.THE POWER OF THIS PLACE? A WINDOWLESS ROOM. well recognized ;IT IS THE SOLACE OF UNTRAMMELED WILDERNESS. A VAST, EMPTY PLACE. a GOD fearing place.A FORGIVING PLACE.IT IS MAGNIFICENT WRECKAGE. SIMPLY IMPRESSIVE EMPTINESS YET OVERFLOWING.
it is me